any clues?

 

i'd sayid say describing youtself is hard the same way describing why something you love is hard

you've spent a long enough time with something to the point its hooks and striking features arent as striking anymore

and given how much time you psend with yourself you dont know which parts of you people react to

my name is so and so and ive just entered college

i like writing and videogames and music and general media

i have an eye for detial and i appreciate when things are abstract and experimental

i FUCKING HATE pretention and people who believe that enjoying things that have deeper subtexts or larger meanings makes them any better than the everyman who watches normal movies and enjoys himself normally like a normal person

i believe in the goodness of humanity but also the inherent cruelty at least 99% of people are partial to. its in our nature to prejudice, and we're hard wired to judge and to bias ourselves out of some twisted instinct of survivl that hasnt been useful eever since we stopped being not at the top of the food chain

people take advantage of you

im like dude im obsessed wtih religion. firmly in the camp that its all not real and just our own way of coping with the terrifyingness of non-existence, but i dont hold that against anyone. i think it is INIFINTEILLY fascinating invenstigating the effect and the impact of belief and faith in a higher power. i mean shit my favourite movie of all time is all about this stuff (Cat Soup by the way, go watch it it's about different interpretations of the afterlife)

 but yknow, religion has a way of cultivating extremism (especially when literally ETERNAL DAMNATIOn is on the line people would get pretty riled up). fuck all these weirdos that impose their beliefs (hot take of the century i know)

you can probably piece together some of my character from how i wriet, which is cool

i'll keep writing, and you'll see me next time im about to break down

LORE LORE LORE

sorry for the wack images i dont even like all of these i just hate the default blogger thumbnail style

 for the archaeioilogist 1000 years frmo now that finds this or the poor sap that stumbles on this randomly through some means id figure id drop some lore just so you can keep up with my shitshow

or maube i am just soem self absorbed self obsessed art nazi who thinks hes sooo interesting

i mean i think im interesting, at least to myself

i'd hope other people would even if other people probably don't. i have lore, as would anyone. i've gone throufh drastic changes and a mix of slow burn development and life altering events that wiuld shape me as a person, be it positively or negatively or eventually positiv or eventually negative

i uh

shit 

well it depends on what im writing about. im probably writing personal stuff???? question mark??? some detials in that case are probably uneccsary or besides the point. you need the important things, so maybe this might get outdated lore wise but ill give you the important bits, also clues on what i might be writing about in the future. maybe this is some vain hopeful way of me sealing the proverbial envelope with a wick of wax providing literal lore in the hope some lore schlora finds this in the future and deduces my life story with all the vague biased things i give him

its fun leave me alone. im the author of the novel of which i am the main character

i like my dad, kind of hate my mom (i sobbed at a fancy restaurant after she snapped at me for failing a driving test but she got better after so im conflicted oououoh)

i know this girl. she's the most important person in my entire life

i have friends. bandmates, old highschoolies who are all different combinations of toxic, in different schools, autistic, and play games with me and chill with me

i have a little sister. someone i love dearly but also feel immense disillusionment for how her character and pureness also culminates in weaponised incompetence

i've been treated like shit by a few people. wack ass fuckass bullying psas always focys on the dinsey channel tall strong "urgh i FUCKING HATE you gimme your lunch omney!!" archetypes but never highlight how often the worst bullying comes from friends of whom the depths of evil theyre willing to sink to are second to none

prefect in primary, cousin and friend and other friend and other friend and other friend; a group of "fishermen" who are the record closest i've ever come to actually killing myself

family that you hate have a way of feeling entitlement to forgivenesd. fuck blood and i hope you rot

ill drop more eventually, based on what i feels important. ooh maybe ill do a character analysis next

maybe this is my new twitter

 maube ill pos

college is getting to me a little

total fucking poser btw i dont even listen to sweverslvt i just like their mascot

  i stopped uploading my notes to this account, partly because the ad libs i started featuring became WAY too personal and weird for me to feel comfortable posting this online for (potentially) people to see

usual things. weird jokes, innapropriate language, sh self-termination jokes y'know that kind of stuff

there's a certain effect that being thrown in a proverbial hotbox after classes has on the psyche. mostly, it's the slight isolation and kind of forced reflection that occurs when all manner of efficient distraction is stripped away

there's always a level of forced self reflection when you're spending the night alone in a hotel room. i got that from a fight club clip comments section. now try staying by yourself in what FEELS like a hotle (i.e pool on premises, key, elevator ride, lack of personal possessions, etc etc) and over time the effect has a way of snowballing

i don't know if im healthy. seems like fuckin everyone is "mentally ill" nowadays. over a long enough period everyone and everything hits terminal fatigue, be that mental or metal. i'm still chugging along but with how tough some of these nights have been lately it feels i'm waiting for some part of me to snap

now, i won't get violent, i won't thrash about and scream like some neanderthal, but what i will do is completely bottle everything. like swallowing a grenade practically, if for the sake of this odd metaphor you'd graciously imagine i have some form of durability which allows the explosion to not instantly burst through my skin but instead bounce around in my insides

or maybe not, maybe for the sake of this metaphor i'd still blow apart, demonstrating the futility of trying to bottle that of what you feel

but god fucking damn it man, we live in some fucked up timeline

you can believe in the goodness of people and humanity as a whole like i do, but when attempting to open up or do the right thing or be healthy blows up in your face THIS much and THIS consistently, well y'know. fool me once something something point is maybe im the fucking idiot in believing my parents wont casually say somethign completely horrible and psyche altering because apparently i wasnt crying hard enough or came to them too composed

being an adult is hard and im about to experience that myself. id like to iamgein once i get a little guy to look after i wont look him in the eyes and tell him to grow a fucking pair after he told me hes been having meltdowns and freakouts and pranced about the house screaming and throwing things around

im still bitter about that. im still fucking mad about that. maybe on the off chance you're reading this you'll feel that parentla sixth sense kick in and wanna talk to me about this. maybe we're talking about it right now and you're reading this text to me at the dinner table word for word and asking me to "explain myself"

i don't believe there's anyone in the world that i'd feel safe opening up to other than her, because she doesn't judge. she doesn't turn everythign into some moral lesson. she doesn't dole out one and dones and expect me to fix everything on my own. she doesn't tell me i can tell her anything and then completely fuck me up by saying one of the cruellest things i've ever been told by the kind of person that's supposed to BE there for me my whole life. 

in an alternate universe i killed myself after you said that. maybe i dragged myself through hell without one of hers to help me,

and i also know you're not capable of abstract thought

im not writing this to be read, or some cry of help. i'd think by now i'm beyond those thigns

im writing this to feel better, because i feel like shit right now because maybe my mental helath issues aren't fake 

i can feel the adrenaline kind of fading as im writing this paragraph. i think i got it all out

if you are reading this, i mean, please just leave me alone

none of these talks ever go anywhere