you will ALWAYS live to regret it

 you don't have a life. make it your life. you need a reason to live

don't let this not change you

scrap the tags

 a test, assignments, and an unfinished punishment worth a 5th of my grade. i spent 8 weeks barely existing and now everything's catching up to me. 

i can reel it in. i just need time. time and focus. time and focus and no distractions. not at the lump in my throat or the grease in my hair or my unwashed face. i can blame my sickness now but how does me from 8 weeks ago escape judgement. 

i had no excuse. have no excuse. i need to start, and i don't know how to be satisfied.

2 entries on a to do list widget. the other assignments are farther away than i thought.

i'll be okay

i'm not obsessed

 i'm not obsessed

from the heart

any and all opaque

unplayed cards

to be truthful is to shatter an illusion

music

 more naked than being naked

fragile feelings layed bare

the threat of a closed mind

i'm trying to be more brave around you

 

to not peak

it took me time to warm up. till max, kianoush wasn't the most connected person. in a way, neither were mus or lee. him coming was a blessing i think, given he's easy to talk to. through him im a little warmer with mus and lee now

and number 1 is still just there. he seems disconnected, utterly. chalant and nonchalant in just the right ways to cause friction. a total sponge

i didn't want a sponge, i wanted a rally. i found one through 2, and i worry something's going to fall through

i hope he feels the fucking pressure now

9;41' pm trusfriday'

 i woke up feeling numb today

i dragged myself through the kitchen and stuffed myself with store bought mac n cheese and this weird rotisserie cutlet that was leaking icky chicken juice on my pasta

i don't like anything anymore, but perhaps i'm coming to accept it

memo boy speaks to me

i still treasure their company

i regret nothing

scared

 to obsess is to feel joy. to feel whole is to sell myself on my critique. i obsess over art and the beauty and intricacy it has to offer. aesthetic cohesion; the weight of a swing or an inflection in music.

i think i've become a fundamentally incurious person. someone with base literacy and the ability to form opinions and bias, but i've lost any old drive i once had. 

i don't feel passion for things any more. i don't cheese

i'm nothing

 i lost every right to an interesting personality with this new terrifying incuriosity

i'm not in love - 10cc

freezing to death

 

i'm a deeply disgusting person

hers

 a letter written with love left unopened

a hack fraud writer drooling over his keyboard

i wrote you all those months ago 

all those months ago you 

i can't love you normally anymore

numbness numbness and

 numbness numbness and only numbness

sculpted in gods image to be the perfect fucking mess

nothing so teenage and desperate

her music makes me feel nothing

most music makes me feel nothing

i feel nothing when i lsiten to my bloody valentine

their music makes me feel nothing